burntheseashes

Activation code...hmm it said it was going to send one. Oh well. But, look out for it just in case. :)
Over the weekend newsflash for Amber:

Saturday: Estate sale of this man..sold his..let's put it nicely...'crap,' (the only nice word i could fathom) and let's get this straight..the stuff we sold came on a tractor trailer (it was full) and a 20 ft trailer (it was full) and yet, it wasn't even a third of the stuff he owned. Everything sold for almost 16 thousand on saturday (15,840 to be exact). So yeh..that was cool. Another sale for him is going to be the third saturday in feb, so don't you know i'm looking forward to it?
Sunday: i sat around, and well...did nothing. I watched an ABC family movie called If Only..it was actually entertaining. Most of the movie's where the main character is able to go back in time and save someone's life ends cheesy and everyone lives. This one actually had an ok twist (even though i guessed it) and...the meaning was very sweet. Plus, the main character had an extremely hot british accent. Makes me melt everytime. :)
Monday: NO SCHOOL!! *does a dance* So, i watched my niece, danced with her when her little tv shows had a kiddie beat going, and we went shopping for her some new books, it was overall pretty fun. Monday night i watched tv, went to the cow sale with Ricky (family friend) and my dad. And i'm thinking about redecorating my room (well..my sister's old room that is now my hang out room). Any suggestions?

Last few days have been...mellow.
It turns out i can apply to the gov school (i just can't go if i do get accepted...but i think with a little persuasion that all can change. hehe) I'm really excited because, i mean...now that i have like edited and added tons of new passages to my "novel," I am sorta proud of it. I think it actually has the potential to be good (if i like had more time and could elaborate on some things.)
Well, yesterday the school called my house and this stupid recording said "A child in grade 10 named Amber missed 1st, 2nd, and 9th period." So, yeah. My parents thought i skipped and then my mom was like, "you better get this straightened out or we might not even let you APPLY to the gov school." Well, i went and got it straightened out and i got the woman to actually call my mom on her cell and TELL her that i didn't skip.
This saturday we are having an estate sale in our auction barn. This majorly sweet guy we knew, died about a month ago, and he was like...the biggest collector of just...stuff. junk. you name it, he's got it. So his family is wanting to sell everything because i mean..he has like a whole barn full of stuff. So, today we are going to start numbering everything and getting all of it organized. There is a tractor trailor (we opened it just to look inside...it is slap FULL) in front of the barn roll up door, plus a 20 Ft trailer of my dad's and then there are some more trailers that aren't even at the barn yet...there is complete tons. And the worst part is, the barn isn't even all the way cleaned out. My dad and Bill's (the guy that died) family are talking and looks like there are going to be multiple sales taking place.
But, yeah...that's basically all that has happened.
You better write, mister. (you know who you are) lol. i miss you and love you..always.
Peace out.

Wow! I'm going to start writing in here again!!
So. A lot, and i mean, a lot has happened. I don't think i'm going to elaborate on this, so you'll just have to trust me.
Well, gov school app is coming along quite well. Mom and Dad might not let me go, but at least they are going to let me apply. :)
The last few nights i have been so depressed. I have been crying myself to sleep. I woke up this morning and looked at my pillow and there are tons of mascara stains on my pillow cases. :( (pillow cases are a very pretty light blue...black stains don't do much for them)
School has been going great...oh but i flunked my bio exam. 66 for me. Ha, but i still have an 100 in the class. :) (had a 103 before the 66, and she counted the 66 as two test grades instead of 20%...so...yeah, it only lowered my grade 3 points) Gawd, i'm so happy about that.
My dad finally wised up and let us put our auction on a computer system. 3000 names, numbers, adresses, dl#, blah blah blah, had to be put in by today. I started like...4/5 days ago and, wahla, i finished! I stayed out at the barn till 8:30 last night, but woohooo, i still got it done. Let's just say it hurts to type right now.
OH yea, new laptop for Christmas (and a bunch of other random things i don't feel like mentioning.) It's nice..fun..groovy..lol, whatever.
SO....yeah....that's all for today because it's only 10 ish, and nothing has really happened thus far...i guess when i enter in this thing i'll be talking about the day before. So, just get used to it, mi amigo(a)'s!
I love you. (you know who you are...and no i'm not talking about -you-, i'm talking about *you* :)

Sometimes i wish the world was flat...that i could just fall straight down and feel everything tugging at me at once. Everything needs me...everything in the whole universe wanting me to be closer to them...to be pulled either closer back to earth...or farther away into oblivion (such an overused words). I want to know how it feels to be missed...i know it's selfish, i know it's absurd, but i crave it. How would you feel if i wasn't here anymore. I'm not an attention seeker...no not at all. The spotlight is not for me...i actually run from it. But, i need to know someone cares...someone would hurt if i was hurt. I need to know i'm loved by people other than my family. And i hear these people say 'all you need is family.' It's not true. I love my family. But i need to be loved by others. I want my flaws to be embraced. Kissed. Touched. In a special way that only i could understand. Please don't think i'm selfish...

I was sick today. Not a bad sick. Just a "i don't feel like getting out of bed so i'm not going to" sort of sick. So, i didn't for half the day. At first it was comforting. I caught up on my sleep, that's for sure. But, after a while i finally dragged myself out of bed and started to do the homework that was actually do today..but i had just gotten around to it.

I'm going to get chinese tonight. Yum-Yum. I refuse to read the fortune cookie though. That and horoscopes scare me. (maybe because they seem so real 99.9% of the time...) hehe...cookies. Always makes me think of 'i did it all for the nookie, oh the nookie, oh so you can take that cookie and stick up your ass, stick up your a...' hehe, i'll stop now.

I'm going to start filling out my application for the gov's soon. I'm really scared about the audtions. But, it'll be fine. If i don't get in, i'll die. Not that big of a deal, right? :0

That's all i have to say...besides one last thing: If you're happening to be reading this, just know that i love you tons. I don't know what i would do if i lost ANY of you. You all are so special to me...well except maybe the stalkerish people (haha, yes i'm talking about *you*)..oh yes, i love to put that because most of you are thinking 'hmm i wonder if she's talking about me' mwahaha....well excpet the people who actually just got so bored they wanted to read this and don't even bother to leave me a comment *cough cough*. But, ANYWAY...back to my point. Ya'll are my buddies, my friends, my amigo(a)s! And i love ya'll!! Never forget it...cuz if you do, i might cry...and we all don't want to see that!! (and yes, mary and sarah...ya'll just rock)

"Each day is an oppurtunity to write your own happy ending." I got a new journal yesterday in hopes that i will be inspired and actually sit down when i have the time to start my visual journal again. That little quote is on the front of it. It's a nice thought even though sometimes i don't think it's true. I don't believe in 'happy endings.'

I've been writing poetry every now and again. But, i feel like it isn't measuring up to my potential. What if one day my words just stop, freeze, and get trapped in my brain for forever? I worry. Because writing is my life. It's my goal. It's my fear. And yet i crave to see my words on paper....

My niece amazes me every day i see her. She's constantly growing. And she's ever so smart. Yet, she won't talk. Maybe an occasional, 'no' or 'hey' or 'stop' and of course her favorite word of all time...'duck'. But as for sentences, and being able to tell us what she wants, she's hopeless. She'll be two in March, so it's not like she's a 6 year old running around who's contemplating becoming a mime...but still. Her voice is so adorable and makes me smile that it's such blessings when i hear it or get to enjoy that brilliant laugh she has. I love her.....

My father fell and sprained his ankle on Saturday. He was out catching buffalo. Yes, buffalo. For some odd reason he got the crazy idea of buying buffalo from these people. I suppose we do have enough land down at our other farm, but i mean...buffalo? We had one man offer big money if we would put one buffalo head on a plaque for him. Fortunately my father wasn't even up for that idea. The cruel and unusual treatment bestoyed upon some living creatures is beyond me...

I am still uttermost flabbergasted by Hurricane Katrina. I constantly wonder 'what if that had been us instead?' I can not even begin to comprhend the feelings i would experience if i knew i no longer had a home, most of my belongings were gone, and if my family was missing....my gawd it'd be terrible. It's greedy but sometimes i can't help but think 'Thank you Lord that it's not me.' Of course i'm not turning my back on them, i've been donating all that i can. But, the horror of the whole ordeal is beyond me. I haven't wrote a thing about it because i feel such catostrophes are sometimes cliched. And since i can't really describe my emotions about it...i will allow the people who can the originality they desire.

I was reading some poetry by Longfellow. I really did enjoy one called 'The Tide Rises, the Tide Falls." It's basically about how the world/nature continues even after the death of someone. It's a hard reality to grasp but it is true. It's mainly about his wife who actually died in a most terrible way. Her dress caught on fire by a candle. He saw the whole thing happened and even got a little burnt himself while trying to rescue her. To burn to death. Just awful.

Sometimes i'm scared about where everything is going...and where it all will end. Help....

 

 

 

 

So much has happened lately. Where to begin?
School is hectic. It feels like i'm just floating through the days and not really caring. I did get invited to join Beta Club though...so i'm happy about that. Anything that would look good on apps. is fine by me.
I haven't been sleeping all that much. As i write this i have already passed the 24 hour mark. (And considering i normally sleep 10-11 hours at a time, this is a major break through for me) < And yes, i know...i sleep because i need my beauty rest. Trust me, you don't wish to see me right now.
Saturday i had to work at the goat sale in Georgia. It wasn't that bad. But, it was amazingly long. The town the auction is in though has no cellphone service what-so-ever. So i was without my phone from 10:30 AM to 8:30 PM. It turns out my parents had been trying to reach me all day. My dad had went to the hospital at around 11 that morning. Heart Attack. It turned out to be a false alarm. It still scares me though.
I saw The 40 Year Old Virgin. It actually made me laugh. The only bad thing is i went with my sister and dad because they wanted me to. It was so weird to be sitting beside my dad listening to those jokes. The whole time i thought 'uhmmm...do i laugh and let him know i'm understanding every joke they are saying, or do i sit here and act like i have no idea what is going on.' I went with laughing.
My sister wasn't able to keep her puppy at her apartment. So now my home is her puppies home. Mocha (the puppy) is actually very cute. She isn't house broken yet and makes it a priority to use the bathroom on our carpet at least once a day. That does get sort of old.
Sometimes i feel like i don't really have time to slow down and actually breathe anymore. I haven't been able to work on my visual journal in ages and as far as writing? Yes, i've done some, but i don't think it's anything worth mentioning. Mary will just love to hear this...but i don't think i'm going to be much competition for anybody at auditions for Govs. (not that i was much competition to begin with anyway)
But yeah...a lot more happened but i don't actually feel like typing it out. Mainly because this sleep deprivation is catching up with me and two more minutes of this and i will be drooling on my keyboard.
I love you all. And gawd i miss my govies. OHHH and sarah and mary and whoever else got to go see rocky...you suck (in the best possible way *big innocent smile*)

1- Theory of a Dead Man - "Nothing could come between"
2- Brother Love "Summer Time"
3- Brother Love "Sick of Chicks"
4- The Beatles "Love me Do" < i hate it though...damn thing gets stuck in my head WAY too easily!
5- Hawthorne Heights "Ohio is for Lovers"
6- Gogol Bordello "Start wearing purple" <it's an inside joke btwn my friend and me...omg it's sooo funny!! And uhmmm..my mind is going blank. I CAN'T FUNCTION UNDER PRESSURE!!! mwhaha. Tag basically write your favorite 10 (hahaha, i'm only putting 7 cuzz i'm a loser and have no good musical taste what-so-ever) current "fun" songs or w/e and tag five random people... whoo Oh...and i'm not going to tag anyone because i have no friends...and uhmm all my friends have already done this...and uhmm..*goes and cries* lol jk!!

I was cursing this weekend. Because as you know i wasn't able to sleep in on Saturday. I had to work at my dad's store (it was explained in a previous entry.) But, i guess all that griping i did inside of me paid off. I got to sleep in on Sunday. I was struck with a case of food poisoning all sunday. So yes, it's funny how things will work out how you want them to....but then it's just as bad. I wish i could have just thought 'i'll get up for church today with a smile on my face.'
I do like to go to church. It makes me feel more peaceful and it calms me down. My parents don't go. And sometimes i feel a little awkward there. All of my friend's parents go...so it makes me a feel a little lonely when the youth preacher has inside jokes about everyone's families but he doesn't even know mine. I know it's sorta weird to think about things like that, but it makes me feel like a loner.
But, anyway. I ate some chicken on Saturday night from this little grill in town. So i'm assuming i got the food poisoning from there. Mainly because Andy ate some of it also, and he was sick too. I swear to never eat there again!
I think i'm going to be majorly stressed this year. It's not that my classes are hard, it's just that i'm in a lazy mood this year. I don't feel like keeping everything running. And, if i am to do all my work like i do every year just because i stress about making good grades, i'm going to have no social life what-so-ever.
I really want to go to Rocky with Sarah, but i have no idea how i'm going to be able to. My parents would FLIP if they ever found out i went there. And, it's a small town. My dad knows LOTS of people, and there is no frigging way i wouldn't get caught. Plus...they don't know sarah and they are weird about who i can go out with. so blah blah blah. they're stupid sometimes. But, my friend Quinn said she might take me...so hopefully she can take me and my parents will never know, and i can just meet up with my good old buddy sarah there! woo hoo! such a great plan!!

1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

Please tell me if my life was to pass me by that you would grab my hand and pull me back....just so that i could be with you.

Well, today was hectic. And i'm straining to keep my eyes from closing as i write this. The harsh light of the computer screen is not helping the matter. But, still...i feel obligated to write. Maybe one day i'll go back and read this day and be like 'hey i remember that.' Or possibly 'what in the hell was i talking about?' Either way i think it would be neat. So, now i am devoted to writing more in here. And plus...Sylvia is so inspirational.

I worked mostly all day. At the store. Cleaning the barn. You name it, and i probably did it. But, during the slow times at my Dad's store where there was no customers i was able to cuddle up in a rocking chair and read until my eyes started to feel heavy. (I've noticed that i've been sleepy almost ALL day.) But, then i had to go clean the barn...with my grandmother. It was living hell. Well..it wasn't THAT bad. So, i suppose i'm overexaggerating with that one a little bit. But, she's so...'Christian' but then a 'hypocrite gossiper' at the same time. She talks about everyone. Every single person she knows she has something up her sleeve that could cause the root of all evil to break out in my hometown. And she quite frequently decides to use it. This is why i can not possibly stand her.

Nothing else is coming to mind, and no matter how hard i strain thought provoking, amazing, stupendous, just absolutely AMAZING ideas, like Sylvia's don't want to come to my mind...but then again she was a genius. And, i? well...not even close.

I haven't been able to express myself lately. If i try to write it turns out to be shit. If i try to work on my real journal it looks like shit. But, still i must try. I don't want to become one of those artistically chalenged old men sitting in coffee shops, trying to mooch off of people's creativity while staring at blank sheets of papers with only a pen mark smudged in the corner. Hmm...besides the being noncreative, and mooching off of other people...that would actually be sorta fun. I can see me with all black on with one of those little hats Sarah has...and just trying to act all 'angsty' as Mary likes to say. And for once maybe i would live up to my Govie Title 'Emo' just scratch off the happy!
lol. (Gawd i miss my govies)

I have been reading Sylvia Plath though. (I was introduced to at no other than the governor's school.) I fell in love with 'The Bell Jar' (sorry i don't know how to underline..i'm computer illiterate). And now i'm reading 'The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.' It's really long, but so far her just simple thoughts/ideas are mindblowing. She seriously was a genius.

The first official week of school was ok. I have no classes with any of my REALLY good friends. Well...maybe a few. And i guess this is good for me because i'm becoming closer to the rest of the people in my grade...but i feel like i'm getting less close to my true friends. (Well, scratch that, people i'm really close friends with are still in my classes....i just am refering to Amie! Gawd i miss her)

One of my teachers, Mr. Roszel, is actually a kewl teacher. He's new, just graduated from college and is 25. So, i thought he was gonna be a stickler for the rules. Which...he is. But, he actually treats us like we're his buddies. Like he'll actually joke with us....in teenage lingo! Yes!! i finally figured it out. That's what it is. He actually acts like he's one of us instead of joking about 'the assignment' or 'the safety hazard rules' (yes...some teachers find some of them hilarious and must joke with us about them)

But, to bitch a little more about school...it's the weekend and i am LOADED down with homework. My first weekend away from school is now gonna be blown up. And plus, i have to frigging work tomorrow. So much for relaxing and enjoying a little break since i'm not used to this whole routine. Have these people no consideration?!

Sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my life away. And each day i'm thinking about how many more days i have till graduation or how many more days to college, or how many more days till i take the dreaded SATs..YIKES!! I'm gonna take a prep course at school...it's gonna be like 6 hours long. So, my luck i'm gonna get bored and not take anything from it. And i did do good on my PSATs...like....better than some of the smartest people in my grade...but i think that's because they freaked and i just got a little lucky! But...back to the whole point of this damn thought process...i worry about what i'm doing and where i'm going. And it's time when i let my brain take over and get worried about every little detail that i wish i could see into the future. If i am to die young when everything i've worked hard for doesn't result in anything...would i still do it? If i was to die old...would i try harder to make this life the best i could. If i could see where i actually was gonna become...maybe i could concentrate more. Or if i could see if i do this, this will happen, And if i do this, this will happen. OH gawd...why does my brain have to be so dramatic...so overloaded...so anal.

And now i'm starting to think about all my future plans and how i could just crash and burn over some small decision. Sometimes i honest to God think i'm gonna go crazy one day.

I haven't posted in a while. Mostly because nothing worth writing has occured.
Saturday i worked at a goat sale. (who knew there were sales devoted to GOATS) I was especially shocked when i realized some goats were bringing $300. Hmm...i think i might buy some cheap ass goats, clean them up, and then take them to this sale...extra $ never hurt my pockets. On the plus, i did make 42 dollars working there. It was long though. 7 hours, at $6 an hour. I plan on working there every sale they have (every fourth saturday of each month)

School starts back soon. August 5th to be exact. I can not explain how idiotic i think it is to start school back on a friday. Yes, a friday. I think they did this last year. I hated it. I am looking forward to school though. I guess because i miss everyone. On the plus, 3 of the worst people in my grade are going to be gone. Yesss! They moved to some other school. Thank Gawd. Yes, they were preps.

Tomorrow is church. I am definitely going. Seeing as i haven't been in eh...3-4 weeks, i think it would be a nice change. I guess i'm getting lazy, and just can't wake myself up to attend sunday services. And every wed. so far, i haven't had a ride. Tomorrow i'm going though. I have made up my mind.

Well...that's all. Boring isn't it? Don't answer that because if you agree...well...that's just sad on my part. (Why can't i be interesting like Mary, or Sarah..even KATIE!...haha...i love you govies!)

Yesterday a big storm came in. It last for about 15 minutes and then left. My internet decided to be a bitch and wouldn't work the rest of the night. Last time it did this, it took 3 days to fix. So, i was ecstatic when i woke up to find that my internet was working yet again.

I was talking to my friend, Sarah, yesterday. We came up with a great movie that all of our little govies could star in. I won't go into great detail, but Katie would be the barbie faced killer. Annie would be the first to die...while smoking pot. Sarah would be the stealer (she steals annie's pot from her dead hand.) Cody was supposedly gonna do a striptease in the back....but yes after consulting with Cody, we are going to have to cast her a new role. I was gonna be talking about some naughty things with mary about some inside thing that happened at the governor's school. I would say what my role was in Sarah's words...but yes...you might think that it's true. and it's NOT! (sarah, gawd you're great) Mary would be the angst poet, sitting in the corner trying to think of philospical views of the murder and crying. Jessica would be the smart/innocent bystander standing in the background sprouting off huge words that wouldn't fit on the q-cards (spelling?) Dani would help dispose of the murder weapon in the end. Seeing as she trains for soccer by carrying bags, she would be doing this throughout the whole move...we would see her walk by every now and again. Katie would stick the murder weapon in the bag, and then dani would just walk up and politely say 'oh i'll take that from you.' If you don't think too deep of 'why would some person just come and nonchalantly take a bag from someone' it would be a great movie. YESSS!! us govies kick ass! (hmm...hopefully i didn't forget anyone that sarah and i discussed...if i did...i'm SORRY!!)

Hm...that's about all the interesting things that i can think of. I will post later though, actually talking about today.

Today was Tuesday. So, i had the pleasure (if you call being tormented/bored a pleasure) of continuing a ritual that happens every tuesday. Something my family calls 'a small animal sale.' This is where all the rednecks of williamston/pelzer bring their farm animals (nothing larger than a goat), and their old farm tools/junk they have laying around. They bring it to the auction barn my Dad owns. It is right beside my house. How fun!! There i was repeatedly hit on/annoyed by old men. One man after eying me as i calculated how much he owed, even said 'yes, we're gonna go all the way', when he handed me the exact change. How that comment and correct change go together, i have no idea.

Before the sale, though, i had to listen to my sister cry. Her fiance and her separated almost 2 months ago. Immediately Kimberly started to date someone else. John was left alone. And, he was hurt for some time. But, now that he has a girlfriend, she feels the same hurt. We tried to explain to her, Johns hurt was double hers, because he had no one at the time when she was dating someone. And despite her constant replies that she doesn't know why she is upset, and that she does like her new boyfriend, we could still hear how much she cares for John in her voice. I think it's all stupid. Love is stupid. And they are stupid. They are so....wishy-washy. Love is just a waste of time if you ask me.

Harry Potter is absolutely amazing. I haven't been able to finish it yet. Since Kimberly is home, she took it from me all today. Damn. Well, i probably won't read any tonight either...i just don't have the heart. Even though i desperately want to know what's happened to Harry, i don't think my brain will allow it. It is completely fried from giving change in a crowded, loud, hot room.

I am exhausted.

"As i sit and listen to your 'sorrys,' i can't help but think how easily they slip from your tongue. Do these lies get stuck there and fester until they can break free to provide false hope? Is it the damnation of your mouth, or is it the stupidity in my eyes? Was it obvious, or was i just too stubborn to see it? Or maybe it's how i was idiotic enough to sit around and take it for so long. You have a smirk on your face negotiating with the tears on my cheeks. And, as i sit and listen to your lies and your sorry excuse for a conversation/goodbye, i hold my hands tightly to keep from grabbing the gun in my purse...."

What is love? Even though there is no true definition to follow...surely someone has an idea of what it is. The only love i've ever had was staying up late to cry, and wishing he'd call...waking up the next morning to find that he didn't. The love i see exists of cheap thrills and going to new bases just to keep that passion, that desire...that love. When will love become like the movies? When will it become the fantasy young girls make their Barbies have? The truth is, that type of love, the 'i'm so crazy about you i want to scream and you feel the exact same way about me' doesn't exist. Maybe it does for a while and our minds are clouded with thoughts of 'forever.' But, in the end we wake up from our dreamland and we find the shattered pieces of our hearts cascading to the floor. What is love?





.....You tell me.

I'm reading the new Harry Potter, and even though it is absolutely amazing so far, i am taking a break. If i read for long periods of time, i get drained and don't enjoy the book as much. And, even though i am dying to know how it ends...i think i shall wait.
Yesterday, one of my friends came over, and so did her little brothers and sisters. We went swimming for a very long time. Now i am in pain. Being sun burnt is no fun. And considering that i am very pale, and have never been known to tan, i am going to endure this horrible pain and have nothing to show for it. Just my luck.
I didn't go to church this morning, so i feel a little bad. Considering i just got home from a youth trip i sort of feel obligated. But, i didn't get much sleep last night because of the sunburn. Plus, i was cranky. And i still sorta am. I have been snapping at everyone lately, and thank gawd no one has tried to IM me and say some stupid comment...i don't think i could handle it.
But, other than that today has been boring, and i have no deep thoughts. I am completely drained.